How to Talk to Your Parents About End of Life Wishes
How to start the conversation with ageing parents about their end of life wishes: openers, timing, topics in order, handling resistance and siblings.
Picture a Sunday lunch. The plates are cleared, the television is murmuring in the next room, and a daughter in her forties has rehearsed one sentence all week: "Dad, have you ever thought about what you'd want if you got really ill?" She opens her mouth, her father starts talking about the cricket, and the moment slides past. She drives home with the sentence still unsaid. It happens again at Christmas, and again at his birthday.
Then one day there is a fall, a phone call from a hospital, and a doctor asking questions nobody in the family can answer. Would he want to be resuscitated? Does he have a lasting power of attorney? Where does he keep his bank details? The conversation that felt too awkward over lunch now has to happen in a corridor, without him.
Around 1,800 people die in the UK every day, part of the roughly 170,000 deaths a day you can watch on our live counter. Most of those deaths are not sudden. They come after months or years of declining health, which means most families have time to talk. Very few use it. This guide explains how to start the conversation with your parents, what to cover and in what order, what to do when they refuse, and how to write it all down so it actually helps.
Why so few families have this conversation
Surveys for the Dying Matters campaign have asked British adults about this for more than a decade, and the results are remarkably steady. Most people say they would be comfortable talking about death. Far fewer have done it.
| Survey | Finding |
|---|---|
| ComRes for Dying Matters, 2012 | 27% had asked a family member about their end of life wishes |
| ComRes for Dying Matters, 2014 | 51% of people with a partner did not know their partner's end of life wishes |
| ComRes for Dying Matters, 2014 | Only 6% had written down their wishes about future care |
| Savanta for Hospice UK and Dying Matters, 2019 | 17% had asked a family member about their end of life wishes |
| Marie Curie public attitudes report, 2023 | 14% had talked to someone about their care wishes for the end of life |
These surveys asked slightly different questions, so the numbers are not directly comparable. The pattern is not in doubt, though: only a minority of families ever talk about this, and fewer still put anything on paper.
The reasons are familiar. Adult children worry it sounds like they are waiting for an inheritance. Parents worry it means they are being written off. Everyone assumes there will be a better moment later. As we explore in the top regrets of the dying, "later" is the word people most often wish they had not relied on.
When to have the conversation
There is no perfect age, but there are better and worse moments. The worst moment is in a hospital, under pressure, when your parent may not be able to take part. The best moment is when everyone is well and nothing urgent is happening, because then it is a conversation about values, not a crisis.
| Good moments | Why they work |
|---|---|
| After a friend or relative has died or been ill | The topic is already in the air and feels natural |
| When they retire or move house | They are already thinking about the next stage of life |
| When you are writing or updating your own will | You can lead by example and make it mutual |
| After a TV programme, film or news story touches on it | It gives you a neutral way in |
| At a routine GP or hospital appointment | Health is already the subject |
| On a long car journey or walk | Side by side feels less intense than face to face |
| Moments to avoid | Why |
|---|---|
| Big family gatherings with an audience | People feel ambushed and defensive |
| Straight after a diagnosis | Give them time to absorb the news first |
| When you are rushed or tired | It needs time and patience |
| During an argument about something else | It will feel like a weapon |
Remember that one conversation is rarely enough. Think of it as a series of short chats over months, each covering a little more.
How to open the conversation
The first sentence is the hardest. It helps to have a few ready, and to choose one that matches your parent's personality. Some parents respond to practical framing, others to emotional honesty, and others to humour.
| Approach | Example opener |
|---|---|
| Ask for advice | "I'm sorting out my own will and I don't really know what I'm doing. How did you go about yours?" |
| Use a story | "Did you hear what happened with Auntie Jean? The family had no idea what she wanted. I don't want that for us." |
| Make it about them helping you | "If something happened, I'd want to get it right for you. Can you help me understand what you'd want?" |
| Use a form or planner | "I found this planner that walks through everything. Shall we look at it together sometime?" |
| Be direct | "This is awkward, but I'd rather talk now while it's easy than guess later when it's hard." |
| Use a medical prompt | "The doctor mentioned a ReSPECT form. Do you know what you'd want on it?" |
Asking for their advice is often the gentlest route. It puts your parent in the familiar role of the experienced one, and it makes the conversation about the family rather than about their death.
A printed planner can also take the pressure off. Instead of you asking a string of difficult questions, the document asks them, and you are just keeping each other company while you fill it in. That is exactly what our When I'm Gone planner was designed for.
What to cover, and in what order
Do not try to cover everything at once. Start with the topics that feel least morbid and most practical, then move gradually to the deeper ones. This order works for most families.
| Order | Topic | Key questions |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Where things are | Where are the important papers, the will, bank details, insurance, pension letters? |
| 2 | Who to contact | Who is their GP, solicitor, accountant, and closest friends? |
| 3 | The will | Do they have one? Is it up to date? Who are the executors? |
| 4 | Lasting power of attorney | Who would make decisions if they could not? Is it registered? |
| 5 | Care preferences | Would they prefer to stay at home, move in with family, or go into a care home? |
| 6 | Medical treatment | Are there treatments they would refuse? Do they want resuscitation? |
| 7 | Where they would want to die | Home, hospice, hospital? |
| 8 | Funeral wishes | Burial or cremation? Religious or not? Music, readings, flowers? |
| 9 | Legacy and memories | What do they want people to remember? Who should have special items? |
The first four are practical and usually easier. They are also the ones with legal consequences. If your parent has no will, explain what happens if you die without a will in the UK: the intestacy rules may not match their wishes at all. If they have no lasting power of attorney, our guide to lasting power of attorney explains why it matters before capacity is lost, not after.
Medical wishes are where conversations often stall. It helps to know that there are formal ways to record them. An advance decision can legally refuse specific treatments, while an advance statement records wider preferences and values. Many areas of the UK now use a ReSPECT form, completed with a doctor, that records recommendations for emergency care.
Most people say they would like to die at home, but as we show in where do most people die, many die in hospital. Talking about it early is one of the few things that can close that gap.
Handling resistance
Some parents simply will not engage, at least not the first time. That is normal. Pushing harder usually makes it worse.
| What your parent says | What it often means | What you can try |
|---|---|---|
| "I'm not planning on dying yet" | It feels like you are writing them off | "Nor am I. This is just in case, the same as my own will." |
| "It's all sorted, don't worry" | They may have done it, or may be avoiding it | "That's great. Could you just tell me where it all is?" |
| "You'll get everything anyway" | They think it is about money | "It's not the money. It's knowing what you'd want." |
| "I don't want to talk about it" | Fear, grief or superstition | Drop it gently and try again in a few weeks |
| "Your brother will deal with it" | They may have confided in one child | Ask whether everyone could hear it together |
| "Just do whatever you think" | They may feel overwhelmed | Offer small choices: "Burial or cremation?" |
Some practical tactics help:
- Go small. If the whole subject is too much, ask one question. "Where do you keep your will?" is far easier than "Let's talk about your death."
- Share your own plans first. It turns an interrogation into a two-way conversation.
- Use a third party. A GP, a hospice nurse, a faith leader or a solicitor can sometimes raise it more easily than a child.
- Write it instead. Some parents find a letter or a planner easier than speaking out loud.
- Accept partial answers. Knowing where the papers are is a huge win, even if the funeral is never discussed.
If your parent has early dementia, the conversation becomes more urgent, because legal documents like a lasting power of attorney require mental capacity at the time they are signed. Our article on dementia deaths explains how common this has become.
Talking with siblings
Siblings can make this much easier or much harder. Disagreements over care and money are a common source of family conflict after a death, and many start because one child knew something the others did not.
| Situation | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| One sibling lives nearby and does most of the care | Acknowledge it openly; they may need support, not instructions |
| One sibling refuses to discuss it | Keep them informed in writing so they cannot later say they were left out |
| Siblings disagree about care options | Bring it back to what your parent has said they want |
| One sibling is the executor or attorney | Explain the role to the others so it is not seen as favouritism |
| You live abroad | Offer to handle paperwork or research remotely |
Where possible, talk to your siblings before you talk to your parents, so you are not surprising each other. If there are tensions, a family meeting with a neutral person present, such as a mediator or a trusted family friend, can help.
If your parent is choosing executors, our guide on how to choose an executor explains why picking one child over another can cause friction, and how to avoid it.
What to write down
A conversation that is not recorded is easily forgotten or disputed. After each talk, make a note of what was said and agree where the information will be kept.
| What to record | Where it should end up |
|---|---|
| Location of the will, deeds, insurance and pension papers | A single folder or binder |
| Names of executors and attorneys | The will and registered LPA documents |
| Medical wishes | Advance decision, advance statement or ReSPECT form |
| Care preferences | Shared with GP and family |
| Funeral wishes | A written note, the will, or a pre-paid plan |
| Contacts and passwords guidance | Securely stored, never in the will itself |
| Personal messages and memories | A letter or a planner |
Our guide on what to put in an emergency binder explains how to gather the practical papers in one place, and the end of life planning checklist breaks everything down into steps you can tick off together.
Some families find it easiest to fill in a planner side by side, a section at a time. The When I'm Gone planner covers documents, money, the home, funeral wishes and personal messages, so your parents can record everything in one document and you know exactly where to find it.
What happens if you never have the conversation
If the conversation never happens, the family is left to guess. That is not a disaster for everyone, but it does create risks.
| Without a conversation | With one |
|---|---|
| Doctors may not know about treatment preferences | Wishes are recorded and shared |
| Family may disagree about care homes or treatment | Everyone knows what was wanted |
| No LPA means a slow, expensive court application | Attorneys can act quickly |
| Funeral choices are guesswork | Family follows a plan |
| Papers have to be hunted down | Executors know where to look |
| Grief is mixed with guilt and doubt | Families report feeling more at peace |
The point of the conversation is not to dwell on death. It is to make sure that when the time comes, your parents are treated the way they would want, and the people they leave behind can focus on grieving rather than guessing. Our article on what your family needs to know when you're gone covers the same ground from the other side of the table.
Where to get help
You do not have to do this alone.
- Your parent's GP can talk through advance care planning and ReSPECT forms.
- Hospice UK and Dying Matters publish free conversation guides.
- Compassion in Dying offers free advance decision forms and a support line.
- Age UK has guidance for older people and their families.
- A solicitor can help with wills and lasting power of attorney.
If you would like to see how much time statistically remains for planning, the Death Clock gives a sobering but useful nudge.
A final thought
The daughter at Sunday lunch did not need a perfect speech. She needed one honest sentence and the patience to come back to it. Most parents, once the subject is open, are relieved. Many have been thinking about it for years and simply did not know how to raise it with their children either.
This article takes around twelve minutes to read. In that time, roughly 1,400 people around the world have died, and about 15 of them in the UK. You can watch the count rise on our live counter. Some of those families talked. Many did not. The next time the moment comes at your own kitchen table, let the sentence out.
Data sources: ComRes surveys for the Dying Matters Coalition (2012, 2014), Savanta survey for Hospice UK and Dying Matters (2019), Marie Curie public attitudes to death and dying report (2023), GOV.UK guidance on wills and lasting power of attorney. Global death estimates are based on WHO and UN World Population Prospects figures. This article is general information, not legal or medical advice. For decisions about a specific situation, speak to a solicitor, GP or other qualified professional.
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